Getting Married Young

Do we regret it? and Would we recommend it?

We met in elementary school, began dating in high school, got engaged in college, and were married before either of us hit a quarter century. On paper, our relationship sounds storybook: sweet, charming, and a bit naïve.

We had resounding support when we first started dating. We had been friends first and lots of people had been nudging us to “make it official already”. Well, Monica needed the nudging…Renzo had been securely locked in the friendzone long enough.

But when it became obvious that we were pretty content about our relationship lasting, some people started sharing their concerns of committing too early and encouraged us not to be too serious.

When we got engaged at 20 and 21 years old, then the comments moved from subtle to blunt. We were throwing away opportunities of education, career, travel, and self-exploration. We were too young to know whether or not we’d want to be together forever. And we were surely going to suffer financially.

Well, now thirteen years in, we hope that we have assuaged most of these concerns. Admittedly, we also do agree with some of the sentiments and cautions, as well. Do we regret getting married young? Not one bit. Do we recommend it? Not to everyone.

Here are, what we informally discovered, to be the top concerns people have of couples marrying young:

Are we emotionally mature enough?

The answer is, you are not fully mature. Firstly, by age and brain development alone, too much research would prove that you are not fully formed in this area, yet. But also, its important to acknowledge, you have lived little to no adult life, up to this point. You have done little with full independence. And you are much to experience, face, and overcome. One thing we learned in our young newlywed time was that: we did not know a lot.

Does that mean that you’re unprepared to get married? Not necessarily.

You don’t know what you don’t know. Just admit it. Ignorance to your naivety is proving the point and makes you look more immature and stubborn.

But are you adaptable, open-minded, disciplined, and willing to learn? Are you able to admit mistakes and take them as opportunities to grow or do you beat yourself up or pretend they didn’t happen?

Maturity is proven through willingness to try, fail, adjust, and try again. If you’ve got that, then you’re not unprepared for marriage. Because, the truth of the matter is, no matter how old you are when you get married, you will mess up, you will face set backs, and you will make bad decisions. Its inevitable.

Knowing that that is on the horizon and commitment to persevere together as a couple is what makes a marriage work; not having all the answers (impossible!).

Should we wait to travel or build careers?

We were a funny mixed bag on this. Monica knew what she wanted to be her whole life and Renzo is just now starting to settle on a career he really loves, but also still has dreams and passions that live outside of his day job.

We’re of the mind that marriage does not hinder of prevent career exploration, and does have the very real potential to enhance such pursuits by living with and loving one another in such a way that encourages the very best of the other to come out and be celebrated.

That being said, you can’t both be married to a person and your job. But that is also true of building a career and then getting married after becoming “established”. Disordered priorities of work and family will always cause distress in a marriage, regardless of age.

It would be, again, naïve to think that marriage doesn’t have the potential to hold someone back from reaching the top tier in one’s career. But, our opinion, is that, if you have found the one that sees the best in you and helps you become that best, wouldn’t you want them by your side as you are aspiring for greatness in your career? And also reminds you that your identity is not your job? Funny how the sacrament can ground you in the reality that you are loved for you and not what you produce.

What if our parents are right?

They might be. They know you pretty well. So take their caution with a grain of salt before completely dismissing them as pig-headed. What can you learn from their advice? What is the practical wisdom you can glean from their concerns? What pieces of your personality, exercise of virtue, and character that they are noticing that is worth addressing? And then do it! Thank them for their guidance.

At the same time, they don’t know your future spouse. And they don’t know the new family that is about to be created. They may not recognize the very real potential the dynamic two of you possess. And that’s ok, they’re not the ones entering the covenant. I believe someone suggested “leave and cleave” as an important marriage strategy.

Both can be true.

What happens if we change in our 20s?

You will.

You’ll change more in your 30s. And 40s. And every decade after that.

You’ll change because before you we’re married and now you are. You’ll change if you become parents. You’ll change because you’ll face trials and suffering and trauma. You’ll change because you will succeed and celebrate and overcome.

You’re not mean to stay static. And the sacrament, the love of sacrifice and receiving love from another, is meant to help make you your full self. That person doesn’t exist right now. But they can, if you let the sacrament work. And you buy into the process.

Is it financially responsible to marry young?

It depends. Two rents, two mortgages, two grocery bills, two…everything separate is going to be more than joint.

Weddings cost money. (But can absolutely…and SHOULD…be planned on a budget!)

Babies cost money. But, again, can be done conservatively.

Life is expensive. Take some classes together to become financially literate. (honestly, that was the best engagement gift we received, hands down!) Get on the same page. Budget. Stick to the budget. Avoid debt.

Age doesn’t equate to financial stability. But remember that you’re just starting your careers, so you’re not making as much as your neighbor, your parents, etc. Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses.

Here’s a wedding pic of us as bebes. Just for an “aw”

And, yes, we entered our reception to “Gangnam Style”, like good, hip millenials.

We did talk about this more on our podcast, if listening/watching is more your flavor.

We wrote a Catholic book about sex! Check it out: Order LOVEMAKING!

Our other books
Go To Joseph: 10 Day Consecration to St. Joseph
Go To Joseph For Children